Posted in Criminal Minds, NCIS, Short Fiction

tBS: The Fabulous Penelope Garcia

The Big Short

Title: The Fabulous Penelope Garcia
Author: darkseraphina
Prompt: Penelope Garcia
Fandom: Criminal Minds/NCIS
Characters/Pairings: Penelope Garcia, Derek Morgan, Emily Prentiss, JJ Jareau, Aaron Hotchner, Spencer Reid/Tony DiNozzo
Genre: Awesome Women, Pretty Men, Team Fic
Word Count: 1485
Warnings: well, I refuse to warn for slash or for women ruling everything so. . . I got nothing.
Authors Note: Seriously; every prompt and challenge for six months, and I manage to make them all genderbent — because I am nothing if not consistent in my obsessions — and what happens with the first female character prompt? I write slash for the first time in months. I need a translation program for my own brain.

“Emily! Please tell me you aren’t busy on Friday night?”

The profiler looked surprised by her abrupt appearance, but Emily was nothing if not game. “Garcia, this is so sudden; I had no idea you felt that way.”

The temper Penny was riding eased back enough that she could grin. “Oh, my pet, you know you’re the only one for me.”

“Shhh, don’t tell Morgan. He couldn’t bear to know you’ve been stringing him along all these years to cover for our love.”

“From Chocolate Adonis to unwitting beard in one afternoon,” said god in mortal flesh mused. “Pretty Boy, save my ego — you didn’t see that coming, right?”

“Honestly? Garcia, Prentiss and JJ seem like platonic life mates to me. I think you might be out of luck, Morgan.”

“Sweet William knows he’s your second choice, right, angelfish?” she asked JJ as the blonde agent approached with a stack of files.

“Of course,” she replied without missing a beat. “He’s waiting for a chance to console Morgan when we leave this life of constant toil for one of sex, sin, and alcohol in the Bahamas.”

“I don’t know which scares me more,” Morgan told Reid, who happily accepted the majority of JJ’s armload. “That they’ve discussed and planned this conversation in advance — or that they share a brain.”

“Either way, Morgan, they run circles around you.”

“Oh, like you can keep up, Dr Missed Social Cue.”

“I have no illusions about their ability to run us, the unit, and possibly the world before I even noticed their coup d’etat.”

“Aww.” Penny stroked her favorite autodidacts’ hair. “You really are a genius, Dr Reid.”

“We’ll spare you after the revolution, Reid.”

“Of course you will — who else would do the paperwork?”

“Point,” JJ conceded.

Morgan eyed them all nervously; from the corner of her eye, Penny spotted Spencer’s wicked grin. Such a prankster. “Okay, this got weird and a little scary, very quickly.”

All three ladies gave him sweet, menacing smiled. He rolled his chair backwards, nearly bumping into Hotch. Their fearless leader looked up from his file, took in team, and sighed.

“Morgan, just do what they say and no one — meaning you — will get hurt.” Then he retreated to his office, leaving the delectable Derek to his fate.

“Best. Boss. Ever.” Penny muttered. Morgan looked offended and a little nervous.

Taking pity on him. Emily smirked. “To answer you original, PG, my only Friday plans involved wine, takeout, and my cat. Please, save me from my own singleness.”

And once again, she was furious on behalf of her friend. “It’s not me that will do the saving. I have a friend —”

“Oh, god, Garcia —”

“It’s not a blind date, my beloved! I know how you feel about those! No, it’s a mission of mercy. A friend of mine,” and she fanned herself lavishly, making her ‘oh, baby’ face, “who is one of the few men on earth to match the sheer magnificence of my beautiful Derek Morgan, desperately needs a date to a Navy event on Friday night. Normally he’d go stag — but his rather toxic teammates have been rather unbearable lately and take every chance to target his ego, self-esteem and reputation. And the last time he took a casual friend slash occasional booty call, his so-called professional teammates were so nasty that she refused to have anything to do with them ever again.”

Just thinking about it steamed her buns — was that any way to treat a teammate, much less one as sweet and handsome as Tony?

Her team was watching her carefully, and Penny knew her temper was showing. She didn’t lose it often — she was a lover, not a fighter — but people who abused the people she loved were at the top of her list. Penny took a deep breath and gave Emily an imploring look. “I promise he’s not handsy, or a mansplainer, or intimidated by a girl with a gun — and he’s not into science fiction specifically, but he’s a huge film buff and he’ll watch pretty much anything, so you’ll have something to talk about, and —”

“Pen, why aren’t you going as his date?”

“I would — I can never resist a gorgeous man when he begs — but I have a support group meeting on Friday. I told Tony I’d find someone, or he’ll have to ask Temperance, and she’ll punch Ziva the Terrible in the face inside of ten minutes — which would be amazing and very karmic, though I generally don’t approve of violence —”

“Wait — baby girl, are you talking about Tony Dinozzo? NCIS agent, Ohio State Buckeye, hell on wheels on the basketball court, about my height and half as good-looking? That Tony?”

“Everything but the last — nice try, sweet cheeks — why?”

But Morgan was looking at their most brilliant teammate, who was turning a brilliant red while pretending that the answer to life could be found in his files.

Silly genius, the answer to life was 42 and waffles.

“Because I have a better option than Emily —”


“ — and it’ll sure as hell shut up those bratty junior agents of Dinozzo’s.”

“Morgan —”

“Go on and tell me that you weren’t checking out his ass, Pretty Boy.” Reid glared and said nothing. “Yeah, exactly.”

“Dr Reid,” Penny breathed, “I thought we had an arrangement! You tell me all your dirty, dirty secrets, and I don’t have to spend time dragging them out of you. Though I have always gotten a bisexual, nonconformist vibe from you,” she mused.

“Pansexual with demisexual leanings,” JJ corrected, settling on the edge of Emily’s desk — the better to stare pointedly at the blushing braintrust. “Person, not gender and he generally needs to know something about them or their personality first.”

JJ —” he exhaled, betrayed.  

“Yeah, I can see that,” Penny patted Spencer’s shoulder consolingly. “And I know Tony is an equal opportunity employer.” She shot a laser-sharp gaze at Derek. “Spill, chocolate god. Now.”

He held up his hands in surrender. Smart man. “All I know is that the kid here picked me up from a coaching session at the local youth centre — where T was also volunteering —”

“Civic minded,” Emily noted cheerfully.

“ — and Pretty Boy here took one good look at Tony, who was trashing a trio of high schoolers singlehandedly —”

“I do like competence in a man,” JJ reflected.

“ — and he was looking a little damp and half naked —”

“Yes, please,” Penny sighed. She’d seen that particular eye candy, after all.

“ — and there was a little drool, and a lot of tongue-trippage.”

Reid was bright red now, sliding down his seat as if he might slip right off the chair and under the desk. “I will get you back for this, Morgan.”

“And Tony?” Penny asked, ignoring her g-man’s dramatics.

“Oh, there was some looking, and a little bit of salivating, too, but Pretty Boy here was so keen to disappear that Tony didn’t even get a chance to show off his game — other than basketball, or course. He seemed disappointed, too,” Derek winked at Spencer.

Who frowned and looked away. “Don’t be stupid, Morgan; people who look like that never look at me.”

Self-esteem issues, right on time.

Penny squeezed Spencer’s shoulder, considering, while the team reassured their youngest that he was nearly as beautiful as he was brilliant.

Problem: Two friends who needed an ego boost, companionship, and orgasms shared with other people. Friends who, apparently, already found each other attractive.

Solution: Shove said friends at each other — gently, or course, her boys were fragile — and encourage some. . . bonding.

The best part of having a divergent groups of friends, was when your friends became friends with each other, after all. And they were both so pretty; together, it would be beautiful squared.

“Dr Reid,” Penny interrupted cheerfully. Under her hand, Spencer twitched and turned to watch her warily. Clever genius; she was definitely up to shenanigans.

“Yes, Garcia?”

She dug out her phone as she walked away. “Wear the gray suit — the one with the matching waistcoat.”

“Garcia —?”

He sounded nervous — it was adorable. Really, she was doing it for his own good. That much sweet, beautiful genius deserved someone to bask in it. And sex it up.

“Make sure you wear it with the maroon shirt — the one you bought when you at Christmas when we went shopping.” She hit the call button. “Oh, and your gold pocket watch.”

“Garcia —”

“Tony? Hello, my Italian Stallion — I found you a date.”

“Garcia!” Really, it was amazing the pitch he could reach when he was panicking.

“I guess I won’t be standing up my cat after all.”

Honestly — what would they do without her?



I have spent more time in fandom than in real life in the last decade. I'd offer cookies and a speech about joining the dark side, but if you found me here you've probably drunk the kool-aid already.

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